10 ways to make sure you get killed in a horror movie

Yes, this is a game blog. Yes, I am talking about movies so shut up.

Currently, I am watching, probably, one of the worst horror movies ever. Called Lake Dead this film is low budget but with decent quality camera work. Acting is for shit and I am now 35 minutes into the movie before the first pair of young, nubile titties were shown. Bad job movie guys.

Moving on...

1. Be a whore - Nut bag, crazy killers love nothing more than chopping up hot, slutty young women. While hot, slutty young women are great, in a horror movie that pretty much makes sure your fine little ass is toast. Seducing one of the male leads with a girlfriend/wife just speeds the process up and it will probably happen during the act, ruining a badly done sex scene for the viewer. Titties are one of the main stays of bad horror movies and depriving the viewer of said titties by getting chopped up just pisses people off.
   
2. Be a cheater - This could be 1a but not really. If you are dating, or are married to, the female lead, don't cheat. If you some how manage to escape slaughter during the act of cheating, your scum bag ass is dead the moment you are alone. Getting into the shower, going for food, getting drinks. What ever. You are dead.
   
3. Going off alone - Anyone who goes off alone in a horror movie ends up toast unless you are the hero, then you just manage to escape. Stay with your friends, military, police or what ever. Going off alone makes you easy pickings. Why people in fucked up situations always go running off alone baffles me.
   
4. Ignore weapons of any kind - So the cop that was with you just got cut in half, his weapons laying at his side with the killer hunting you down. What do you do? You run like a fucking idiot and leave the gun on a corpse. Oh wait. No. Thats NOT what you do. Leaving behind knives, guns, bats or any kind of weapon is not a great way to make sure you stay alive. Generally, you get cut down shortly there after and that shot gun you left on the ground probably would have come in handy.
   
5. Not turning on all the lights - Look. I know electricity is expensive, but when you think you may be in a situation where a crazy person is after you and your friends, turn on every fucking light you can. Carry flash lights, torches or something. Killers, apparently, are sensitive to light and never slaughter young, idiot teenagers when they are in well lit areas.
   
6. Go searching for lost friends - Oh ya. Genius fucking idea bud. Your friends have gone off alone, already breaking rule 3, and your smart ass is going to go running off in search of them. Chances are, they are fucking dead. Write those idiots off as a loss and high tail it the fuck out of there. Something is up, obviously, and if they AREN'T dead, then people have cell phones for a god damn reason. Leave them to their own devices and stick your ass with the group.
   
7. Don't go to places far away from a city - Have an awesome camping trip at that abandoned camp? Inherited a cabin in the woods? Don't fucking go. Stay your ass at home. Sell that piece of shit and have your lawyers deal with it. Going off where there is little, or no, help for miles around just reeks of "I want to get my ass cut into pieces and eaten by mutant freaks". No. Stay at a fucking motel 6. Go camping at a national park with LOTS of other people around. Sure, you want a weekend of drunken debauchery but there is no need to get dead for it.
8. Run for the small town sheriff - Chances are, if you are in a small town, or a remote area, what ever weird and fucked up shit is going down there the cops already know about and support. They may come off as willing to help at first, but oh no. Sooner or later, those inbred fucks are going to turn on you and make sure you are dead meat.
   
9. Look back for the crazy fuck after you - Yes, I know you are curious if the psycho dude who is chasing you is getting closer. He, or it, probably is. So haul ass. Don't look back, just run. Don't stop to try and get into that abandoned car. Don't try to hide in the old shack you have come across, that crazy shit probably lives there. Just keep moving. Find a good pace, keep your arms moving and breath through your nose and out of your mouth. Soon as you see a large group of people that don't look like inbred nut jobs, stop and gasp out your story.
   
10. Think you are safe - So you just killed off the crazy fucker that has been chasing you and slaughtering your friends. Maybe there were two and they are both dead. Now you, and maybe your boy/girlfriend can breath a sigh of relief. You can stroll back to your lives and feel safe again. Fuck. No. Get in car, but check the trunk and back seat first, and haul ass till your hit a major city and head to the first police station you can find. Never assume you are safe. Thinking you are safe just means you, or your significant other, is dead next. So run and don't look back. Once you are safe, buy a couple of guns, a shit load of ammo and maybe a personal security force. That last crazy bastard, or one you thought was dead, WILL come for you. Be a boyscout and be prepared!

So thats it. There are more rules but generally those are some good ones to keep an eye out for. If any of those things are happening to you, just stop and look around. There is a chance a mutant cannibal is right around the corner.

Call of Duty 4

Like most gamers, the FPS genre has been a series of ups and downs. When Halo was first released, the gaming world had a gigantic orgasm that lasted for a long time. Then people got bored with Halo/Halo2 and were left with a empty feeling in their gut. Sure, other games came out that were good but nothing amazing. Rainbow 6: Vegas, GRAW:2 and others but you know, none of these games truly rocked our collective gaming faces off. They were like snacks to be enjoyed but nothing so very tasty that we could eat them daily.

Then, like a bright ray of sunshine in the middle of a cold, rainy day, CoD4 came.

While my time spent playing this game since release has smudged my views on it some what, I will do my best to review it like I could have when it first came out.

Call of Duty 4 is exactly what the FPS gaming world needed. A serious, nasty, big kick in the face. CoD4 makes Halo 3 look weak. CoD4 bitch slaps Rainbow Six: Vegas. CoD4 beats down GRAW:2 like a red headed step child. It is, to date, the most perfect FPS game ever created. It may sound like a bunch of talk, that I am giving a verbal blow job to Infinity Ward, Activision and CoD4; which is exactly what I am doing. Everyone I know that has picked it up, started playing and kept playing despite being rocked by other players; has fallen head over heels in love with it.

Call of Duty 4, when compared to sex, is something like this. Every woman you have ever been with pales in comparison to her. Once you have been with her, its all you can think about. You only want to lie in bed and make sweet sweet love to her. It is all consuming.

*cough* Anyway, the game is nearly perfect. The graphics are fantastic on each system, though a top end PC will blow the 360 or PS3 out of the water. The game play is fast paced, action packed and does not let up. The single player game is awesome, the story is well written and enjoyable. Multiplayer shines brighter than anything else out there. You will find yourself addicted to the game very quickly. You will talk to your friends about it. You will come nearly to the point of forcing anyone who doesn't play it to buy it and enjoy.

CoD4 isn't a rent. Its a buy. Buy it for any system you have. Buy it for the PC. Play it till your fingers go numb. Bask in the awesome that is CoD4.

Just don't come to me after 5 or 6 days play time and you start to see its flaws.

NHL 2008

I have been playing EA Sports NHL series for like...15 years or something. I loved it during the 90's and into the early 2000's. I took a break after 06 because the games coming to the 360 were, well they were shit when they first came out. Back in the 90's, it was all about hockey, fighting and knocking the ever loving CRAP out of players on the ice. Hell, if you saw Swingers you know what I'm talking about.

Then, EA Sports got retarded. Not just with the NHL series, but with its golden boy, Madden. Gone, really, was the fun of the series. More and more "cool shit" was put into the game and an effort to make the games more "real" started to take the fun out of the game. Skill stick features, saucer passing, realistic checking, penalties and what not have seemingly ruined what I found fun about the NHL series for so long. What do you mean? Well, this is what I mean.

1. You can't check opposing players with any real effect any more. Not only do you miss because your players skate like retards, but if you DO hit someone, they just flail about for a second and move along. Some times, if you get lucky, your checking will knock a dude on his ass but it used to be that you could go flying into the boards and fuck someone up. No longer
2. Poke checking = Tripping. Its the only way you can get the puck back from opposing players besides hitting them or getting lucky and having them pass you the puck. 90% of the time, it seems, attempting to poke check someone makes them fall and bring down a tripping penalty on you. Its a penalty in the real NHL, I know, but you don't see players being called on it 5+ times a game when they are playing the puck. So you are forced to let the other team come screaming at your goalie and take a few shots.
   
3. Your team mates AI is fucking RETARDED! I mean seriously. Do NHL players NOT go for the puck anymore? Do they LIKE letting the other teams shooters camp the net? Do they hate passing with any form of skill? It becomes mind boggling how only YOU can clear out the front of the net. Your defense seems to enjoy wasting its time and letting your goalie deal with 40+ shots on net every game. That would get your ass FIRED in the NHL today.
   

Those are just the tip of the iceberg. It seems like the opposing teams goalie AI is fucking a brick wall. I throw 45+ shots, mostly one timers, at them and they stone wall me. The opposing team comes back down the ice, takes a little wrist shot and bamo! Goal. I was playing the Ducks last night, using the Dallas Stars of course, and they put in 5 goals in the first period with ease. Ya, I know the fucking Ducks are awesome but really. It was 5-1 after the first period and I nearly threw my controller through my tv. I had shot the puck 1 less time then they did but oh no. Their goalie stone walled me and Turco went fucking blind and lost any control of his body.

Or what bout when you are leading in the third? I was up 4-0, some how, in the 3rd period against the Chicago Blackhawks. The fucking Blackhawks. Anyway, up by 4, I go defensive and try to get my goalie a shut out. Oh no. Not a fucking chance. Suddenly, its 4-3 with 1 minute left my guys are falling all over the place and the Blackhawks are playing like they are all some kind of hockey super men. It was insane. I have lost two games thus far this season in the last 2 seconds of two games. I shot more, had more time on the attack, took a fuck ton of one timers and was beating the shit out of the opposing team for 60 minutes. Sure, they got goals to come back and tie it and that drove me BAT shit insane but oh well. I let it go. It happens. But to lose the game with 2 seconds left after leading for most of it is crazy. I mean, its goals that make zero sense. Little pussy flip shot from a dude at the blue line? Goes in. Slap shot through traffic, and I have 4 guys in the box to block those shots, goes through those 4 dudes, their guys trying to get to the net and my goalie flails around like he is having a god damn seizure.

Anyway. The game. Is it fun? It can be. Is it cool? Ya, when you actually score you cheer because it never fucking happens or not nearly enough. Does it feel like a NHL game? Yes it does. The announcing is spot on, doesn't get annoying quick and the announcers, though limited to what they say during the opening, actually sound like they are watching the game.

Rent this mother fucker, see if you like it. Also, if you have any tips for me, please share. Will also let me know someone is reading this

Sins of a Solar Empire - First take

I hesitate to review any game that I have only played a short time. When I first heard that the guys over at Stardock were making another RTS game, I was excited. I LOVE Galactic Civilizations 2 (GalCiv 2 for short). Its almost like a remake of one of my favorite games ever, Master of Orion (MoO). MoO, and its resulting sequels, was another set of games released during the 90s by the fantastic guys and gals over at Microprose. Some of my favorite games growing up were done by them and I still mourn the loss of the company. Master of Magic may still be my favorite TBS ever made. I still hope to this day that some awesome company comes along and does an updated version of the game. That would rule.

Anyway, GalCiv 2 is a fucking amazing TBS/RTS game from Stardock. I heartily suggest you go to their website and pick up a digital copy or head to your big box game store and get the Gold Edition. Totally worth the money if you are into RTS/TBS games. The story missions are some what retarded but each time you play a custom map, its different. Just an amazing game.

So when I heard that Sins of a Solar Empire (SSE for short) was coming out, I quickly went and picked up a copy expecting more awesome from Stardock. My expectations, though, were far to high it seems. Though I have only played about 2 hours, the game looks to take fucking forever to play. There doesn't seem to be any real story that I can find and the game play is painfully slow. While there are some cool things in the game, such as being able to zoom in on a single ship or pan out to the entire galaxy, these little flashy touches don't make up for the agonizingly slow game play. As I said, 2 hours into a "small map" playing against 1 other computer player, I haven't done much. Maybe its from lack of experience playing, but damn. I have been bored out of my damn mind the entire time I have spent playing it. Its just silly how you seem to progress but really, you don't get anywhere. One thing I thought would be cool was the inclusion of a neutral 3rd party of Pirates. I was wrong. Pirates just get fucking annoying. They send large fleets of ships to attack you and if you are not keeping a bounty up on another group, they will come straight for you. My entire military, it seems, is used for the sole purpose of defending my planets against pirates. I made the choice of trying to take the pirates down and that was a mistake. With the military might the pirates have amassed at their home planet, taking them down is a mighty task, which I suppose is the purpose.

Now, there IS more tactics involved with the game than in GalCiv2. There are set transition points to and from each planet. As you expand your empire, you are able to set up defensive fronts for your territory. One space lane leading into your entire empire? No problem. Build up a defensive area and leave it that way till you expand further. Still, the highlight of every RTS is supposed to be the combat, and the combat here is boring as fuck. There are no real tactics once the fighting starts, you just sit back and let the ships blow each other up. Besides your Capital ships, none of your other ships gain exp and they are so cheap to build, and so quick to build, you don't care if you lose a bunch of them. Your fleet centers around your capital ships, the rest of it is just cannon fodder.

So, after a little play time, I am unimpressed. I will play it some more and give it more time but thus far, it wasnt worth the money I spent.

Where oh where are the RPGs?

So I have a 360, just in case anyone missed that, and I have found a lack of solid RPGs that come out on any regular basis. There are some FANTASTIC RPGs out for the 360 at this point, yes. Oblivion, Mass Effect and...uh...uh. Ya. Thats my point. I am a huge fan of RPGs, have been since the NES, but there is a surprising lack of excellent RPGs, or even good RPGs. I mean fuck, Oblivion has been out since near release and Mass Effect has been out for a few months. I remember, and yes I know the PS2 had a long run, but a shit ton of fantastic RPGs for the PS2. Lets just run down a few I can think of at 4am. The Dragonquest series, the Final Fantasy series, and the Kingdom Hearts series. Just three actual series with multiple games. Then there are a number of games that I can't remember off the top of my head that were really good.

So WTF Microsoft? Why you no give us good RPGs? Its been just over 2 years since the 360s release and we only get two good, excellent really, RPGs? Throwing out crappy RPGs don't count, just like a bunch of other shitty games out of the 360 since release. So since we are in the "next" gen age, why are there not any better games out?

Blargh. Enough of this ranting. I should sleep.

How to make CoD4 even better - Part two

Aaaannnd we are back. Final stage of our two parter on how to make CoD4 the best FPS game ever. Lets get this bitch rolling.

• Add a character customization option

It sounds simple, and almost pointless, but after multiple days of play time online, I have found that the ability to decide what you look like as you play is really needed. While the character models are fantastic and give everyone a simple way to tell what class is what, there is on team that is badly in need of a revamp of their uniforms. The poor OpFor guys. Man do their uniforms suck! Though the sniper is the most in need of a revamp, I think IW could take it a few steps further and just allow everyone to select from an assortment of uniform options and play with them instead of the preset ones.

See, this idea came to me while listening to other players talking about the "Red Hat of Death" that the OpFor snipers have to wear. Nothing can blow your nice little hiding spot like the red hat on his head. It really gives away your position and people already enjoy shooting snipers enough, blowing off the dude with the red hat ons head is just added enjoyment. So get rid of it and all the standard uniform options all together. Provide an assortment of options from each group in the game for the head, chest, pants, boots and so forth. Then allow the player to select a part of each and use that as their uniform in matches. It would give clans the ability to have unity in their outfits, it would give players a sense of individuality and it would get rid of that damn red hat. Hell, make it a reward during one of the prestige modes. Not to far in but after two or three goes, let it become an option. Prestige is a large waste of time as it is. Speaking of prestige mode...

• Make Prestige mode worth something

Thus far I have gone through prestige mode two or three times and found it to be a waste of time. Sure, you get a pretty little symbol next to your name but there isn't any reason to go through with prestige mode until you have knocked out all the challenges. There are not more weapons, more attachments, new perks or anything for starting over again 10 fucking times. I don't know what IW could do to make it worth while, maybe add new weapons for each prestige level, add the uniform idea and who knows what else. This is more a gripe than a idea that would make the game perfect but it wouldnt be hard for IW to do something with prestige.

• Random ideas

1. Reward someone who gets a 15+ kill streak. After the helicopter, there is nothing else to be rewarded for staying alive and kicking the crap out of the enemy. Maybe throw in a gunship being called in for like 20 seconds. The player would be vulnerable but they would control a gunship for 20 seconds and rain down death on the enemy. Make it so the bigger gun options hurt your team as well.
   
2. More maps! I know they are coming out with a map pack release some time in the spring but they should have had a map update already. The maps are stale, people have figured out cheats on each map to get "out" off the map. Hustle it up IW.
   
3. Make snipers more...sniperish. As it sits, there are set areas on each map where snipers will plunk down, take a few shots and move on. You can, generally, see them easy enough and counter-snipe them from a distance, or be a dick and run up to them and knife them in the back. I know that snipers should take around 3 shots before displacing and moving some where else but damn, this a FPS game!
   
4. Add online co-op mode. Just as a fun option. Playing through the excellent single player game with a friend would kick ass.
   

So thats it, at least for now. I may come up with new ideas and throw them up, or just edit these posts and add them.

Quick shout out to my fellow gaming nut Eric over at Medium Entertainment. He does more a general entertainment talk with a focus on games. Great blog, check it out.

How to make CoD4 even better - Part 1

OMGZ! TWO POSTS IN TWO DAYS?! Ya. I know.

So look, I still havent gotten my CoD4 review up but I have a slew of ideas that would make it an even better game that I need to get out of my head. The game as it stands now is amazing for all of those who just start playing it. Its fast paced, adrenalin filled, excited shooter that really doesnt rely on any tactics at all. Sure, there are more and more clans out there taking squad tactics into their games and totally raping the opposition. Its almost sad to see how badly some teams get beat when the other team works together, communicates and uses tactics. Enough of that though, this is about how to make the game even better than it is.

• Add more weapons
  

Ya, it sounds simple and for those who have recently started playing, the weapon list is decent. For those of us who have been playing since release, the weapons are stale and used up. There are a few select weapons that every one uses, or weapons that people just prefer to use. The M16, MP5 and M4 are the most widely used weapons and they while the M4 is not a starting weapon, it says a lot that many veteran players use the M16 with the red dot sight exclusively. There really isnt a more accurate assault rifle that can put out the rate of fire the M16 can. The M4, probably the second most popular assault rifle, is not as accurate but is fully automatic and is my personal favorite. Problem is, who wants to use the same weapons all the time? Why is it that the G36c or the MP44, which I have no fucking understanding why that gun is even in the game much less the last weapon you get, are not more accurate or provide at least a alternative to the M16 or M4.

So what is happening is most people are using the same weapons through out the entire game and I would think it is due to the lack of alternatives that provide a similar or equal amount of accuracy, damage and range. Having played Ghost Recon: Advanced War Fighter 2 only a single time, the laundry list of available weapons is amazing. There are so many options for weapons, granted I don't think there are weapon attachments you can put on and take off, its staggering. CoD4 is showing its roots with the limited weapon selection it has. I understand that in WWII, weapon choices were few and far between; but its the modern day and there are many posts on fan sites that have huge lists of weapons, for each weapon type, that could be added. I believe, Infinity Ward (IW from here on) should jump on this and release a patch that adds a good number of new guns to each type.

• Make cover useful

One of the things that has driven me nuts while playing CoD4 is the lack of cover. Sure, you can crouch behind a wall and have some cover but its fairly pointless. Unless you KNOW that you won't be seen, i.e. that you have seen people using that cover before and little to nothing of their body is showing, there is a good chance you a lot more of your body is exposed than you would expect. Rainbow Six: Las Vegas made excellent use of cover, allowing you to peak around corners and fire while limiting who much of your body is exposed to enemy fire. This is non-existent in CoD4. Now, I know taking advantage of cover hasnt been in a Call of Duty game before but really, IW wanted to knock the FPS world on its ass with CoD4 and it really did and yet they left out such a obvious addition to a "modern" warfare game.

The problem isnt that you cant get cover at any time but that you have to be very careful about the cover that you take. Crouching by a corner and trying to ambush the enemy might work once or twice but generally, you are toast after the first kill, if you even get that. Its mightily frustrating when you seem to have great cover and then you are shot instantly. It almost makes it a pointless task. Hell, with bullet penetration there really isnt a point for cover but at least players would have the option to hide behind a corner and peek out, even if they could get shot right through the wall. So I really don't understand why they didn't just add a peak option. Maybe its a lack of button thing, but pressing down the right stick doesn't have a purpose. I mean fuck, in the SP mission your allies and enemies utilize cover and you can't. Are you supposed to be Rambo or something? Hell, that doesnt even add up. Rambo used cover. Maybe your a retarded special forces solider.

• Add more weapon attachments & multiple attachment perk

In the single player missions, I know that your gun has multiple weapon attachments. Four I can think of off the top of my head. You have a silencer, grenade launcher, red dot sight and a laser sight for night vision. During the sniper mission, you have a M14 with a silencer and a sniper scope. Why can you not create weapon and attachment combos that make sense? If, during the single player game, you can use weapons with multiple attachments why did IW not add a perk to have two attachments during multi player? See, they could have the perk in the tier 2 perks and remove the bonus of having say...juggernaut, stopping power or UAV jammer. That way, having a silencer and the red dot sight on your weapon wouldnt give people to much of an advantage with not being able to use UAV jammer or stopping power on.

Yet, adding the multiple attachment perk kind of...limits the combos that people could use. Thats why IW needs to add more attachments. Maybe more scopes for the sniper rifle, other sights for the assault rifles and who knows what else. I know that there has to be a SLEW of other scopes, sights and weapon mods out there. So it would not be hard for IW to add more, hell there is one sight in the SP missions that is not in the MP section of the game. Drives me nuts.

Part 2 coming soon.

Oh. Uh. Hi. Long time...sooo

To say that I have slacked off on posting the past few months is an understatement. I never got my Halo 3 review up or my CoD4 review. This is, in part, mostly due to my near constant level of playing CoD4. The game is nearly perfect and I promise I will throw up another shoddy review no one reads soon.

I also started class again and I went out and got myself a job. My free time has been spent watching what little tv is left, playing CoD4 and hanging out with my friends. Posting reviews that no one reads doesnt rank to high on my list of stuff to do. Regardless, I will be posting another review for CoD4 as well as up to date review of The Matrix Online.